Im booking it

#5 of 52

2010-02-09T08:30:00.001-08:00

5. Fires in the Mirror by Anna Deavere Smith

This book is a performance piece composed of interviews with various people involved in the 1991 Crown Heights riot. Protest broke out in Crown Heights after a Hasidic spiritual leader ran a red light and swerved onto the sidewalk, killing 7 year old Gavin Cato and injuring his sister Angela. Rumors spread that a Hasidic-run ambulance arrived on scene and only helped the passenger and driver of the car, leaving the two black children in worse condition. In retaliation to this supposed injustice, a group of men stabbed and killed Yankel Rosenbaum, a young Hasidic scholar from Australia, simply because he was Jewish. It's definitely not something I would typically read at my leisure, but I'm glad I did. It sparked curiosity about Hasidic Judaism, racial tension, misunderstandings, and justice.

#4 of 52

2010-02-01T18:37:00.000-08:00

If on a winter's night a traveler by Italo Calvino

I purchased this book two years ago for a book club. Well, I only made it to chapter 5 before I got too busy with school and abandoned Calvino. I'm glad I gave him a second chance. It's unexpected and makes you think of the expectations you have as a reader for the writer.

" . . . the things that the novel does not say are necessarily more numerous than those it does say, and only a special halo around what is written can give the illusion that you are reading also what is unwritten."

#3 of 52

2010-01-25T08:41:00.001-08:00

I purchased this book a year ago after taking a poetry class in college. G. M. Hopkins was my professor's favorite poet and after reading this book, he is a favorite of mine as well. The book includes poetry, journals, letters, and sermons.

3. Mortal Beauty, God's Grace by Gerard Manley Hopkins

This is my favorite poem by Hopkins, being a dappled thing myself.

Pied Beauty

Glory be to God for dappled things-

For skies of couple-colour as a brinded cow;

For rose-moles all in stipple upon trout that swim;

Fresh-firecoal chestnut-falls; finches' wings;

Landscape plotted and pieced--fold, fallow, and plough;

And all trades, their gear and tackle and trim.

All things counter, original, spare, strange;

Whatever is fickle, freckled (who knows how?)

With swift, slow, sweet, sour' adazzle, dim;

He fathers-forth whose beauty is past change:

Praise him.

#2 of 52

2010-01-19T07:59:00.000-08:00

So it took me over a week to finish this book even though it's short. I got behind on reading this weekend because I went skiing with the Marriotts. Every time I started reading I either fell asleep or was bombarded by kids who wanted to play Guess Who or have a snowball fight.

2. Notes from Underground by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I read Crime in Punishment in high school and loved it. But since then I haven't read anymore Dostoyevsky. I found this book on my shelf (probably purchased for a literature class but ran out of time to get to) and thought how nice to be able to read a short story by a Russian author. The book is written as a journal. The narrator begins by stating, "I am a sick man. . .I am a spiteful man." I found the book a bit tedious to get through but I enjoy how Dostoyevsky is able to depict the heart of man so well: how we cannot do the things we want to do, and do the things we do not want to do. The end of the book sums up the plight of the narrator:

"Even in my underground dreams I did not imagine love except as a struggle. I began it always with hatred and ended it with moral subjugation, and afterwards I never knew what to do with the subjugated object."

"Why, to tell long stories, showing how I have spoiled my life through morally rotting in my corner, through lack of fitting environment, through divorce from real life, and rankling spite in my underground world, would certainly not be interesting; a novel needs a hero, and all the traits for an anti-hero are expressly gathered together here, and what matters most, it all produces an unpleasant impression, for we are all divorced from life, we are all cripples, every one of us, more or less."

What I love about Dostoyevsky is his ability to make his reader identify with a wretched man, revealing a part of oneself we try so hard to ignore. I'd recommend it if you're feeling introspective.

#1 of fifty-two in fifty-two

2010-01-10T11:58:00.000-08:00

Following my tradition of taking on whatever New Years resolution Katie and Elliott make (Take the Stairs '08 and Less Wine '09) I decided to attempt the Lepine family's 2010 resolution of reading 52 books in 52 weeks. Honestly, I will be happy if I at least make it half way to 26 books.

#1 A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith

While in Fayetteville over Christmas break, Jo took me to Dickson Street Bookshop. I browsed a list posted between the shelves of the Top 100 Audience Choice Beach Books. I'd never heard of the book and was mainly interested because I live in Brooklyn. I highly recommend it. It's good even if you're not reading on the beach. The book describes the life of a poor family living in Williamsburg at the turn of the 20th century and is from the perspective of eleven year old Francie Nolan. Here is one of my favorite quotes from Francie:

"'Dear God', she prayed, 'let me be something every minute of every hour of my life. Let me be gay; let me be sad. Let me be cold; let me be warm. Let me be hungry . . . have too much to eat. Let me be ragged or well dressed. Let me be sincere--be deceitful. Let me be truthful; let me be a liar. Let me be honorable and let me sin. Only let me be something every blessed minute. And when I sleep, let me dream all the time so that not one little piece of living is ever lost."

new year, new faces

2010-01-08T13:50:00.001-08:00

Although I'm back to the daily grind in this new year, I'm already excited by several new people I've met through work. It's nice to feel like your hanging out and having fun while your at work, especially because I rarely have Friday night off! Here's to the silver lining 2010.

Holiday Highlights

2009-12-29T09:43:00.001-08:00

While I was in Arkansas for Christmas 09, I went to Fayetteville to visit my sister and Jo. And Dana drove 4 hours from Norman, OK to see us! We only had 20 hours together, but as always, it was worth it. I love these girls and miss them always!

I'm not sure when we will see each other again, but I have hopes for Fall 2010.

Seth and Caleb were a source of entertainment and joy over Christmas. Seth always tries on my shoes when I visit. He ran around yelling, "Giddy up! Ride em cowboy! Yee-haw!" And when he gets upset with Caleb, he says, "Stop it you mean ole baby!" It's hard not to laugh.

Caleb is already 1 and a half years old! He loves working puzzles and is really good at it for his age. He calls me "Aunt Jewie" and knows the sounds every animal makes. And if you ask him what the giraffe or turtle says, he makes something up on the spot!

It was wonderful being home with loved ones and I definitely wasn't ready to leave! I always forget how nice it is to do laundry in your house and drive. I'm not sure when I'll be back in Little Rock, but it always feels like home when I'm there.

Happy Holidays from the Jacksons!

4 more days

2009-12-15T07:28:00.001-08:00

until I see petite poisson and jolovefish!

Happiest Holiday

2009-12-10T12:27:00.001-08:00

I was a bit worried about my plans for this holiday season. For a while it looked pretty grim. With Katie and Elliott unexpectedly having to be in Dallas for work on Katie's birthday made plans to celebrate together in New York impossible. I thought about staying in Little Rock an extra week but that would mean at least $100 fine for changing my flight. But luckily I now get to spend New Years at the Red Lion Inn with the Marriotts. I told Cara my plight and she said that there was a suite with two twin beds left at the lodge they're staying at, so I was welcome to come along and invite a friend. I was worried I would spend New Years alone and now I get to make money while skiing on vacation with Kristin! And this was especially good news since I've been at home sick with a stomach virus that I got from Claire! Most of the time I love my job, but I don't love not having sick days, health care, or being extra susceptible to germs.

Chronologically Speaking

2009-12-03T08:27:00.000-08:00

Two days ago I had an epiphany and it struck me as odd that I had never done this before. I decided I should listen to all of Sufjan Stevens albums chronologically from start to finish. It's like a marathon of listening. I have a bad habit of listening to a new album once through and then deciding what songs are my favorite and adding that to a playlist on my iPod. But, that's not fair. That's selling myself short and the musician. I'm stunting my own appreciation for beauty and ignoring creative genius based on first impressions. Maybe I'm getting too cerebral over music, but I wanted to share my thoughts. So over the next few days, my ears are only listening to the following and in this particular order:

A Sun Came

Enjoy Your Rabbit

Michigan

Seven Swans

Illinois

The Avalanche

Songs for Christmas

The BQE

And luckily, on December 8th, Sufjan comes out with a new album, Music for Insomnia, which will fit nicely into my plan.

I just can't get enough

2009-11-21T08:31:00.001-08:00

Top 6 Things I love right now:

1. Morgan Library on Madison and 36th. I saw an exhibit of early sketches and drafts of Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak a month ago and went again last week to see an exhibit on the life and writings of Jane Austen. I'm seriously thinking of becoming a member because I absolutely love it.

2. Dover Thrift edition of Pride and Prejudice. It's only $3! Last time I read this book was for school and after seeing the exhibit at the Morgan Library, I decided to give it my leisure time.

3. Suede fur mitten. My Mama gave me a pair of these mittens that she got from Alaska years ago when I was home in August. I've been waiting ever since for the weather to turn cold so I can wear them!

4. Cowl neck scarf. I bought one from H&M and it looks similar to this one. And it was only $15.

5. Ella Fitzgerald. Lately I've been listening to her a lot. It makes me feel like I'm in a different era. My favorite songs are her duets with Louis Armstrong.

6. O.P.I nail polish in Here Today Aragon Tomorrow. It's the perfect shade of green and last time I got a manicure they didn't have it unfortunately.

Confession

2009-11-20T12:07:00.000-08:00

I have a few. Well not really confessions, but a few things I'm slightly embarrassed about or think is too funny not to share with the few people who actually read this blog. Or I simply want your opinion. So, in no particular order, here they are:

1. I've been listening to Christmas music for two weeks now. I'm typically a one holiday at a time kind of girl. But for some reason, this year I just can't help myself!

2. Claire and Drew put on a play for me last night. Drew was a bat and Claire was a dragon. I laughed so hard I cried, because Claire's one line was "I am the dreaded dragon. I breath fire! The bat is my only friend left!" And Drew kept whispering it to her over and over from the other side of the room where she made her entrance. And Claire couldn't hear her so she kept saying "What? Drew, I can't hear you!" and ran off stage. Of course you had to be there to see Claire wearing only a hooded dragon costume and underwear, but you get the idea.

3. I'm seeing New Moon tonight. I haven't read the books, but I have a tendency, like many women, to see a movie simply because it stars an attractive man. And Rob Pattenson is undeniably attractive.

4. Hank, Drew, and Claire love hearing stories about when I was little, back in the olden days before there were cell phones. It forces me to think back on all those silly and embarrassing childhood memories that I'd almost completely forgotten. So earlier this week I told them that I use to be afraid of Santa Claus. They weren't remotely sympathetic when I tried to explain that I didn't like the idea of an old man with a beard coming into my house at night and eating all the milk and cookies, even if his intention was to give me gifts. Every year I crawled into bed with my sister completely terrified. And when our family took pictures with Santa I refused to stand near him at all. The Marriott kids laughed at me for being afraid of someone who is so obviously good and nice.

5. I've had a reoccurring dream that I have really long hair and it's making me want to grow it out again. But in order to have said long hair, I have to go through the in between awkward phase when I hate my hair everyday. Conundrum.

6. I've had my eye on someone for a while now, and I'm fairly certain he doesn't even know I exist.

here you can see for miles & miles & miles

2009-10-26T09:34:00.000-07:00

On Thursday, October 22, my mom and sister arrived here in New York to spend a long weekend with me. It's been exactly four years since the last time any of my family visited me here. Four years ago I was a terrified, homesick student who didn't know Uptown from Downtown on the subway. I laughed with my mom and Jennifer because their last trip here was mostly spent in my dorm room watching television and cooking dinner. I felt like a tourist as much as they did. I'd moved there 2 months ago and my sister was pregnant. It was a recipe for a stressful trip. I've come a long way since 2005. A long, long way.

I have a life here in New York now. I have favorite places to go and people to see. I have sources of comfort in this city of hustle and bustle. Somehow I have managed to love this urban city with all its beauty and tragedy. Simply put, I am in awe. I took my mom and sister to favorite places like Roebling Tea Room, Grey Dog (where I get lunch on a weekly basis with Katie) and 71 Irving Place (where I spent every weekend studying my senior year of college). We went to the Sunday flea markets which I frequent almost every week, unless there are subway service changes as there have been as of late. We saw Wicked, the "Where the Wild Things Are" exhibit at the Morgan Library, ate at Chelsea Market and Frankies on the Lower East Side, saw the Robert Frank exhibit at the MET, the Pumpkin Festival at Central Park, FAO Swartz to get gifts for Caleb and Seth, and rode the Staten Island Ferry. I introduced them to the Marriott kids and they saw where I go to work everyday. I showed them my life and I showed them New York. I think I wore them out, but we checked off everything on our list except the Brooklyn Bridge.

At the Morgan Library gift shop, I bought a book of poems about New York. I've only read a few, but I enjoyed this one in particular.

Whitman in Black by Ted Barrigan

For my sins I live in the city of New York

Whitman's city lived in in Melville's senses, urban

inferno

Where love can stay for only a minute

Then has to go, to get some work done

Here the detective and the small-time criminal are one

& tho the cases get solved the machine continues to run

Big Town will wear you down

But it's only here you can turn around 360 degrees

And everything is clear from here at the center

To every point along the circle of horizon

Here you can see for miles & miles & miles

Be born again daily, die nightly for change of style

Hear clearly here; see with affection; bleakly cultivate

compassion

Whitman's walk unchanged after its fashion

Gradually

2009-10-17T14:24:00.001-07:00

I am a dinosaur when it comes to technology. I'm not like my parents in that I am unable to attach pictures to emails or only send text messages in all caps because I can't figure out how to change the setting on my cell phone. But I do seem to only update the few pieces of technology I own when it is absolutely necessary. The computer I am typing on right now I received as a high school graduation gift over four years ago. It survived several viruses and a bath in a bottle of coca cola. My cell phone is a $30 replacement for my old phone which died on me almost two years ago. It's a black flip phone. 'Nuf said when all my friends have iPhones. I have an iTouch which was my last update of technology because the iPod that I also got as a high school graduation gift was replaced 6 times under a Best Buy warranty that finally expired.

I like to think of myself as adaptable and open to new adventures. But clearly, I don't adapt unless I have to. That's why after posting one tweet I never visited Twitter again because it was too confusing and not like Facebook.

When I love something I wear it out quickly. Whether it's a favorite song, book, or sweater, I listen, read, or wear it everyday until I find something new to obsess over. Lately it's been "Only with Laughter Can You Win" by Rosie Thomas, Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott, and a grey sweater jacket I stole from Kristin's closet. These things give me comfort and simple pleasure, like the tree with yellow leaves in the school parking lot across the street. It's beautiful and will change but I will enjoy it until then.

I've also found enjoyment in little things while at work with the kiddos, mostly all the silly things they say. Some days I get stressed and feel like I have a long list of household chores to do that I forget to just have fun with Hank, Drew, and Claire. Usually by Friday I am burnt out and ready for the weekend. But last night, instead of cleaning up the kitchen right away, I watched Scooby Doo: The Mystery Begins with them and prayed with Claire before bed that she wouldn't have nightmares. They helped me pick out a Halloween costume when I couldn't decide between a flapper girl (which they had no idea what that was), Harry Potter, and a disco ball. Claire voted Harry Potter because I could be a boy even though I'm really a girl. Hank voted disco ball because he doesn't like Harry Potter. And Drew voted disco ball because she wanted to help me make a silvery sequined dress. They told me they really wanted me to be Michael Jackson, since I'm related to him ("Having the same last name means you're related, Julie. I'm only 6 and I already know that," Drew) but a disco ball would be a close second. Earlier this week, Drew told me she wished you could throw away conversations, "If I could throw one conversation in the trash it would be Michael Jackson. I wouldn't even put it in the recycling!"

When I was young
I did it my way
I did it my way and I still do
Held my head up high
Asking God for answers and begging him to tell me what to do

(Play Music by Rosie Thomas)

Inspiration

2009-09-24T07:53:00.000-07:00

A few years ago I watched a PBS interview with Sufjan Stevens when he was on his Majesty Snowbird Tour. I probably watched it ten times and would provide the link to said interview now but I am either unable to find it or it was removed from the PBS website. (I'm hoping Katie will read this and provide a link to it in a comment because she was the one who shared it with me) The point is, during part of the interview Sufjan tries to describe his creative process when writing new songs. He says that it isn't something he finds inside himself but something that is revealed to him from an outside source. And he merely gets a small glimpse of it and creates what he sees and hears.

Recently I've been inspired by beauty in seemingly insignificant experiences. (I'm not trying to compare myself to Sufjan, not at all) But it's like a word dam broke inside me and all I can do is gush liquid language. It's a strange but beautiful waterfall. I'm constantly writing poems inside my head all day long and can't wait to put it down on paper. I haven't felt that way since I was a freshman in high school full of unrequited love and hormones. All of that to say, here is my newest attempt at being poetic:

The Other Sea

Where do I begin to unravel the navy

seam in the denim night sky?

That vastly empty openness snatching gazes of “What if?”

(What if aliens disguised as humans try to take over the world?

What if I were a successful failure like Apollo 13?

What if all this really was created, on purpose?)

But tonight, tonight where smug city lights outshine faraway fireballs

instead of resenting the gnarled noise of New York polluting night air

I make a wish on man made machine stars.

Blinking white

Blinking green

Blinking red

I stare, stare, stare at firefly lights ablaze

This city sky is a concert of skyscraper antennas

lightbulbed windows and

airplanes connecting distant dots—

the anthropomorphic wish ship of the other sea—

a shooting star full of weary businessmen, dumb tourists, and Skymag

Isn’t wishing upon a real star as satisfying as the possibility

that I know a man on that plane?

There is a one in eight million chance that my childhood friend,

my professor, my future lover is dashing and splashing the dark

with blinking white and constant red light.

I blink and think my God, I wonder what we look like from up there?

A distant horizon shouts holiness and humanity:

the lover with the fate

the celestial with the organic

the eternal with the temporal

the beauty with the tragedy

the created with the creation

Officially

2009-09-17T07:47:00.000-07:00

Soup night at the Walkers means it is officially fall. The cooler weather makes jackets, boots, dark nail polish, and scarves a necessity. And of course, soup for dinner is legitimate.

Sometimes, you get exactly what you want

2009-09-13T12:34:00.000-07:00

Swimming Pool of Marbles

I was worried we were on the verge of the second Great Depression.

“We own our house, right?” I asked my dad in panicked voice

because my roommate told me everything would be okay,

IF you owned your house.

“No, hun-knee, weyare steel making payments on it.”

My family has lived at 5 Misty Court for thirty years.

That’s why five is my favorite number.

That house is home base, my objective correlative, my constant.

I know it like a lover.

The grey side paneling, busted doorbell and glass shattered

by a softball I swung at and made contact for the first time.

I wept as white paint dried erasing years of measurements

stacked up like used textbooks.

I know the map of the creaky floorboards from sneaking in past curfew,

determined my parents wouldn’t find out, but they always asked.

I couldn’t lie ever since I threw that browned apple over the fence

And you spanked me for saying I ate it, core and all.

That doesn’t sound like a bad idea now—to consume something whole,

seeds and all—planting a life force in your belly.

Please, don’t ever move. I can’t afford to buy that house from you.

There are too many memories—a swimming pool full of marbles:

Of water balloon fights, running through sprinklers,

shooting fireworks off the back deck and exploding G. I. Joes

with firecrackers

Of charting undiscovered territory beyond my backyard

and walking through sewage pipes because I liked the dark

and hearing my own voice echo back

Of playing truth or dare and kissing a boy for the first time

and feeling so guilty that I cried innocence into my pillow

and begged my mom not to tell dad

Of our house getting struck by lightning after Christmas,

all new electronic toys fried and nightmares of outlets

Of playing detective in my dad’s sport coat

and watching my neighbor cry after she found her mom in the tub,

Bathed in her own blood

Of going to the park after dark to see a boy

who pushed me so fast on the merry go round that I felt tipsy

until my dad spotted me with his headlights and made me go home

Of being on the swim team before I was old enough

And finding my dad’s rifle in the closet while playing hide and go seek

Of kissing my first boyfriend in his car parked outside my house,

Of crying my eyes dry when he left for college.

Of my brother’s friend sleeping in my bed and feeling deceptive

because I had a secret.

Of watching my brother cry because his best friend died in his sleep

Of being angry at my dad because he gave me Sense and Sensibility

for my birthday and I didn’t even like Jane Austen

Of my sister’s baby falling down the stairs

Of holding my mom’s hand at the kitchen table after the doctor called

saying she had cancer in her bone.

Of telling her I’d never leave her again.

Of my mom telling me she never wanted to hold me back.

Of sleeping in her bed that night and confessing we’d never been so scared.

All the tears, all the shouts, all the meals, all the goodbyes

This is one lover I will never release.

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

2009-09-06T09:34:00.000-07:00

You will be missed, but we'll be here waiting when you get back. Know that you are loved dearly from New York

nothing gets crossed out

2009-08-31T06:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, may have been the perfect day. I woke up in my own bed, which is refreshing when you've been in a guest bedroom in the Hamptons all week and awake to the sounds of children squealing. I had an everything bagel and an iced hazelnut latte before I went to Katie's apartment to lay out on the roof with her and Kristin. We read magazines, books, gossiped, remembered, and soaked in the last few rays of the summer sun.

When we came back in, Elliott made us margaritas and Kristin made guacamole to munch on before we headed to see Beach House and Grizzly Bear. Well, the line to the free show was just too long, so we opted for plan B, go to church. Although missing two of my favorite bands seems like a damper, I didn't really mind. I was just happy that I had two friends with me who weren't as excited to go as I was, but went because I wanted them to.

After church we wondered over to Marlow and Sons for dinner. And on the way, we passed by the restaurant Dressler. There, dining at a table on the sidewalk with his wife, piercing me with his killer blue eyes, was Sondre Lerche. He is one of my music loves, probably second only to Sufjan. We made eye contact and that made me unbelievably happy.

Dinner at Marlow was delightful. I've heard about this restaurant from Amanda and the Walkers, but the actual experience can't be put into words. We ordered family style and shared all of the following: cheese plate, meat plate, watermelon salad, grilled corn (favorite), baked chicken (another favorite), meatball pasta, pork belly, two bottles of chilled red wine, and chocolate caramel tart for dessert. I can't remember the last time I enjoyed such a wonderful meal as much as I enjoyed the company. Afterward, we all walked home.

On a different note, I started writing poetry again. After digging out old journals that I hadn't put a pen to in three years, I came up with this:

It's the harrowed nightenmare of the bee-bat-beetle
that buzz flap creeping up your spine
when the sheets are folded back.
Hair down. Bra off.
Listen carefully and you will hear every girls biggest fear come to life
The monster thought of dying alone,
of being a screwed up spinster--never screwed.
It's the formula of wanting to be wanted as much as I want you
at work when I'm lying in my twin size bed
making an X marks the spot with my body.
The beebuzzsaw cracks open my ribs, exposing my heart-
messy fucked up unattractive red swamp.
Rip open you shirt and I'll stamp WANTED on your chest
What about my unshaven legs, back pimples, design-less cotton underwear?
My morning breath, hammocks of flesh beneath my eyes, snot face, and cold feet?
All hidden. All artfully concealed.
Want me when I'm photographic paper in a dark room-
dripping, exposed, becoming myself.
Want me at my worst.

Fall Sounds Good

2009-08-25T18:51:00.000-07:00

September 11th: Derrick Brown, Iron & Wine

September 25th: Phoenix and Passion Pit

October 6th & 7th: Sufjan Stevens (that's x2 mind you)

October 24th: Sufjan Steven's BQE film release party

November 6th: Monsters of Folk

Although I'm sad to see Summer coming to an end (because we all know that when it's over, it's over) Fall '09 is shaping up to be just as eventful. I'm glad musicians I love (namely Sufjan) are making music and on tour. It makes my heart happy.

//These friends of mine live in New York

They were raised in Michigan

They don't own things/ They don't hold hands

They guard their hearts as best they can//

(Rosie Thomas)

There is always

2009-08-20T14:40:00.001-07:00

someone to miss.

When it rains, it pours

2009-08-13T09:16:00.000-07:00

That seems to be the theme for Summer '09. Of course there is the literal downpour New York has experienced since June, but this summer has also been full of traveling to and from the Hamptons, weddings, road trips, dancing, movies, and fun. My last semester of college was so intense with wanting to make good grades, nannying, and my internship. I think the summer tends to make me a little stir crazy.

But, now that only a few weeks of summer is left, it's starting to hit me that I am no longer a student. During finals in May, Kristin and Katie told me repeatedly that they missed college, late night study sessions, and the feeling of being accomplished when all was said and done. That made me so mad when I was the one up til 3 am finishing a paper and they were sound asleep. But I think I'm beginning to understand the missing, at least a little bit. I mostly want to do back to school shopping. I always enjoyed purchasing a new planner and finding favorite pens and highlighters. (I know Katie, Robbi, and Lauren understand) And I really wouldn't mind sitting in Dr. Jackson's office discussing charter schools, child phycology, or grad school options.

We always want what we can't have. I have all the time in the world to do leisure reading that I was so excited about in May, and I'm still working through Everything That Rises Must Converge by Flannery O'Connor

23

2009-07-30T17:46:00.000-07:00

Over the years on my birthday, I get nostalgic and think about what I did the year before. When I turned 13 I cried because I was a teenager. When I turned 20 I cried because I wasn't a teenager anymore. And last year I cried because I thought I had no other birthdays to look forward to. Once your 21, it's all the same the next fifteen years. Or so I've heard.

But last night, I fell asleep before midnight and woke up eleven hours later to a new voicemail from my mom, Seth, and Caleb. My mom told me the same story she tells me every birthday--that I was born at 1:20 pm and there was record breaking heat of 108 degrees in Little Rock that day but the hospital was well air conditioned.

I thought I would be sad I wasn't in the city with my friends today, but the Marriott family knows how to celebrate birthdays. I was dropped off at the beach while Cara went to the gym and the kids were at camp. Typically when I'm at the beach I have to chase kids, build sandcastles, collect seashells, and fly kites. Of course, all that is good and fun, but it makes going to the beach by yourself to relax even more enjoyable. When Claire, Drew, and Hank got home from camp, they immediately said they wanted to go swimming. We all got our swimsuits on and when I came back downstairs, they were holding giant posters they made that said, "Happy Birthday Julie! We love you!" Hank gave me $2 of his own that he got from the tooth fairy, Claire picked out a broad-rimmed sun hat that wasn't floppy, and Drew helped me blow out my birthday candles. I asked them for a hug, and Claire refused of course. The Rosenkranz family came over, along with Jen-I, who gave me cards, chocolate, and new flip-flops. All the kids gave me underwater hugs and sang happy birthday to me underwater.

All this to say, a birthday party at work in the Hamptons with 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 10 year olds is pretty fun. I felt like a kid again at my neighborhood pool parties.

I have a feeling this is going to be a good year.

Nanny Diaries

2009-07-20T09:51:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, when I was in high school, I believed myself to be an introvert. A quiet, reserved girl who liked reading poetry and happened to be a cheerleader. But, my freshman year of college, my two roommates told me that I was undoubtedly an extrovert. I still had my suspicions. I remained a self-proclaimed introvert until my roommate Tessa, who is a guidance counselor so her opinion is legit, laughed when I said I wasn't sure if I was introverted or extroverted.

The main reason I'm discussing the two types of people in the world is because this past week I've realized I am absolutely an extrovert. I work Tuesday to Saturday in Quogue, Westhampton as a nanny for the Marriott family. When I was in Little Rock a month ago, all my friends and friend's moms squealed with jealous when I told them I was a nanny in the Hamptons. But the truth is, it's not as exciting as it sounds or looks in the movies. There's definitely no hot lifeguard or neighbor who sneaks into my room at night (unfortunately). I'm not meaning to complain about my job. I love the family, free food, queen size bed, washer and dryer in the basement, HBO on demand, the beach, and their dog Peaches. There are pros and cons to be a live in nanny, but that's beside the point of this post.

I aboslutely hate missing out on what my friends are doing while I'm at work. This past week I missed out on Harry Potter on opening night, Kat's birthday, Jo's work party, Union Pool, Royal Oak, Amanda's birthday party, and laying out on the roof. I almost missed out on seeing 500 Days of Summer, but luckily it was sold out so Kat is going with me today. Maybe I'm selfish and don't want my friends to have fun without me. Or maybe I just love my friends so much that I hate not experiencing life with them on a daily basis. Probably a little of both, which undoubtedly puts me in the extroverted category. I know some friends who would love to have a quite, peaceful house to themselves until the kids got home from Sportime camp. As for me, I read for a little, get bored, watch tv, and then wonder what I'd be doing tonight if I was in the city.

The good ones

2009-06-26T09:20:00.000-07:00

keep you guessing. Right?

Yesterday, I felt twenty-one again

2009-06-19T16:49:00.000-07:00

"Do you remember when twenty-one years was old?"

-Countdown by Phoenix

you remind me of home

2009-06-08T10:08:00.000-07:00

I'm going back to work today, finally. I'm ready to see the kids and take Peaches for a walk along the Hudson. This weekend was exactly what I needed after a week on the couch.

I cleaned the apartment on Friday, which was cathartic to get rid of all the flu germs. We ate dinner at Stand and saw Away We Go, which was hilarious and heart felt. It rained a lot but the weather on Saturday was perfect for a cruise around Manhattan (thanks Kristin!) And yesterday we went to Renegade craft fair in McCarren Park which made me wish I had extra cash and was crafty myself. Kristin is planning on redecorating the living room which is amazing. I'm excited to continue making this apartment more of our own since we are staying here for another year. Then we went to church and ate a potluck dinner for the 4 year anniversary of Res Pres. It feels good to think of Brooklyn as home.

It's pretty much impossible for me to think of living anywhere temporarily.

it's the swine.

2009-06-05T10:08:00.000-07:00

So I got the flu. Maybe it's the swine. I wouldn't know because I didn't go to the doctor. Good thing my dad is a pharmacist. I haven't left the house since Monday.

I've watched copious amounts of television and a kept a strict diet of orange juice, saltines, and chicken noodle soup. I had a Harry Potter movie marathon which made me even more excited about the Half Blood Prince, took quizzes like "Which celebrity would you marry?" on facebook, and slept for at least twelve hours each night.

I remember Kristin telling me when she had the flu she started talking to the tv, and now I understand why. I'm going stir crazy and hope that by tonight I'll feel well enough to go see a movie with friends who I haven't seen since Sunday.

an office job?

2009-06-01T08:29:00.000-07:00

I'm 3 weeks into my life as a post graduate. I anticipated the only thing that would change in my life was more work and less homework. But, there have been other unexpected adjustments.

This past weekend Kristin had the flu. And now Tessa has the flu. So I am patiently waiting for it to attack me and put me out of work for a week. Which is unfortunate since I don't have health insurance and don't get paid for sick days.

Nannying full time has been quite an adjustment to make, for me and for the kids. It's a very inconsistent job as far as interacting with the kids. Two weeks ago was great. Claire told me I was the best babysitter ever and would only sit by me. We went to Quague for the weekend and I worked 50 hours but it was great because we went to the beach, had fun, and got along.

But, last week I totally forgot the fridge repairman was coming, didn't make it home before he got there, and then spent the rest of the week waiting for him to show up, which he never did. Then the kids argued about a tag-hide-and-seek spy game that Drew made up. For two hours they planned the rules, secret agent names, and weapon distribution as I attempted to warn them that bedtime was nigh. Finally, after Drew kicked Hank for changing his mind about playing darts to decide who would be it first, I told her to go to her room which resulted in tears, screaming, and all out rage. I was completely unable to calm her down so called mom and dad who came home early (which has never happened to me, ever!)

Sometimes I feel like part of the family and at others an irresponsible employee. It's hard not to take work home and feel like I didn't perform my job well, at all. I'm learning not to take it personally when the kids don't do what I say or challenge me, because children by nature test boundaries to feel safe.

All this to say life after college has surprised me. I'm looking forward to Jo moving in for the summer, Kat visiting, trips to Little Rock, New Haven, Kansas City, Florida, California (hopefully)) and a booze cruise this weekend. But I don't want to complain about my job. I'm learning and really do love it. But at times, an office job does seem less dramatic and quiet.

Don't Give Up

2009-05-11T09:47:00.000-07:00

Four years ago, I was determined to go to school in New York. I didn't want to stay in Arkansas and the busy city was beckoning me. As soon as I arrived here, I spent every semester trying to leave with reasons from long distance boyfriends to being closer to family. They're legitimate concerns, but what kept me here was the determination not to give up on a vision of what King's and New York were to me when I didn't know the reality of the stress and loneliness that would ensue. And now, with a plan to stay put for one more year, I can't bear leaving the city and the people I love behind. Let's face it, once you leave New York, you never come back (unless you're Kristin)

I have all this nostalgia of the beginning of my life in New York because on Saturday, it came to an end. I graduated! My parents couldn't make it, but Katie, Elliott, Kristin, and Heath were there. And this week, I start as a full time nanny. It feels good to have a planner with only travel plans and lunch dates written down. No more homework. Only books clubs.

Our hoods were choking us. Not comfortable

2009-04-29T18:21:00.000-07:00

Oh Darling when will you ever learn?
The grass is always greener,
Its everywhere you turn
You'll see it:
Everything you're sure of is up for change

-Land's End by Patrick Wolf

my job description

2009-04-23T10:35:00.000-07:00

I taught Hank, Drew, and Claire how to booty bump last night.

no news is good news

2009-04-21T07:36:00.001-07:00

right?

the beginning is the end is the beginning

2009-04-16T14:30:00.000-07:00

Where do I start. . .

1. Chicago was lovely. The weather was sunny and chilly. Lindsey and I ate tons of good food including chicago style pizza and hotdogs as well as macaroons. I love that a river flows through the middle of the city, that the streets are clean, and that it's less crowded than New York.

2. Dana and Seth came to visit the last week in March. We had too much fun, ate way too much food, and went to Jersey. It's always good to see the people you miss the most. New York is just not the same without them here.

3. I successfully attended my last Interregnum at the King's College. I'm closing in on less than a month of school left. And I'm swaying between giving up and fighting to finish my college career strong.

4. I've quickly realized that just because it's almost summer doesn't mean I have 3 months of freedom before another semester. It means I have to work full time, find health insurance, study for the GRE, research where I want to go to grad school, pay my bills, and begin paying back my loans. I'm not complaining, it's just overwhelming considering I have double digits in my bank account right now. But soon, that will change.

5. I have 3 trips planned for the summer so far: Kansas City for Heath and Tessa's wedding, Little Rock for Missy and Ryan's wedding, and New Haven for Conor O'berst.

6. Today, I walked from school to the L train, just because the weather was so luscious.

7. I really need a haircut.

8. I have a new obsession with oatmeal. Brown and Maple Sugar is my favorite. And it lowers your cholesterol.

today is the greatest

2009-03-16T15:35:00.000-07:00

So I haven't kept up with blogging like I'd hoped. I always think I'll use it as a sort of journal but my posts end up being few and far between.

This week is my last spring break. It's weird to think back to spring break over the past three years. I remember where I was, who I was with, the music I listened to, and what I was doing. That's the best thing about holidays because without fail, I know exactly what I was doing a year ago and can see how far I've come (and how much farther I have to go). This year, I'm going to Chicago to visit my friend Lindsey. I'm excited to see and experience her life there, that I've heard about over the past four years. And when I get back, Dana and Seth will be visiting NY for a week! Yay! Seeing them always does my heart some good.

Lately I've been collecting quotes. Here are two of my favorites:

"True beauty breaks your heart." -Dr. Kreeft

"Don't ruin love by wanting it too much." -Derrick Brown

So true and so good.

There's a design

2009-01-29T18:39:00.000-08:00

I've recently had several conversations about post-graduation plans. Yes, we're all scared. Of not finding a job. Of not staying in New York. Of not finding out what we want to do with the rest of our lives. Of not being able to provide for ourselves financially. Of working a job we hate. Of not being able to handle the infamous "real world."

My remedy is to turn off the lights, lie in my bed, and listen to Vito's Ordination Song by Sufjan Stevens on repeat. It's not the answer to all my post-graduate fears, but it's a start and a meditation of sorts. So if you feel like you're going nowhere fast, I suggest you try it. Stop. Listen. Repeat.

I always knew you/ in your mothers arms
i have called your name/ i have an idea
placed in your mind/ to be a better man
ive made a crown for you/ put it in your room
and when the bride groom comes
there will be noise/ there will be glad
and a perfect bed

and when you write a poem
i know the words/ i know the sounds
before you write it down
when you wear your clothes
i wear them too/ i wear your shoes
and your jacket too

i always knew you/ in your mothers arms

i have called you son/ ive made amends

between father and son/ or if you havent one

rest in my arms
sleep in my bed
there is a design
to what i did and said

Oh and I'd give these songs a listen to as well.

Scandalabra

2009-01-19T13:36:00.000-08:00

It's natural for people to share good news with their friends. It's even common for people to share good news with complete strangers. From, "Guess what? I got a new job!" to "Yes, I'm getting married!" We love gushing with effervescent enthusiasm that something good has happened to us. The stars have aligned, and for once, fate has bowed its head to me.

Well, I currently don't have good news about my life (I don't have a new job or fiance, although I did meet Alexis Bledel and David Cross (lovingly known as Tobias on Arrested Development) which was pretty cool, but beside the point of this post) but I feel the same need to share good news about things I love and enjoy. Most notably, good books and good music. And this weekend, I was introduced to a new book (of poetry).

Derrick C. Brown stole my heart from the moment I saw him (he's attractive). And then he stole my soul when he opened his mouth. He's unmercifully witty and honest. It's refreshing. His writing is penetrating. He manages to have you laughing one stanza and then grip your chest the next. Seeing him read his work made me wonder why poetry has never been done this way before. I've realized that a truly great poet, who can make you feel every emotion on the spectrum through a few words on a page, must have a thorough command over language. Language doesn't limit the poet's thoughts but are at his mercy. I wish I had that. As for now. I'll admire those who do. So even if poetry makes you cringe, give Derrick a try. You won't regret it. I'll even provide you with a sample or two.

Collide Escape

Whatever you dropped in the dark
can be recovered in the morning.

We will find the turquoise ring
that clutched the mud and grass
as I ripped your costly jeans,
down to your soft calves.

The night rain, beading upon your skinny spine.
If you were drunk, I didn't know.
You didn't say anything stupid.
Your tongue was blossoming,
pronouncing your kiss, cleanly.

I was glad your breath was hot enough
to melt the night resin off of me.
I read my hands down your simple gospel
and I no longer need 34th Street miracles.

Are you sure you want this mess?

I am a submarine
full of gasoline
and you're water proof matches.

I am suspended in the cinema of that moment
next to the house
collapsing in the dirt
where I needed you.

Fathom under fathoms,
that's how heavy I laid upon you.

What are you to me?

You are more than on my side,
You are the weapon on my side.
Safety off.

Rest under the shadow of my gut.
Unsentimental kissing.
A gushing reveille for strangers becoming victorious.

Walk through the valley of the 5 o'clock shadow.

Pyrokinetic honeysuckle, let's boycott the hocus pocus
and get straight to the secret . . . .
Are you the one snarling in the family photo?
Are you the one crackling voltage in the yearbook?
Then you are the pearl I steal.

Your eyes, a kaleidoscope of collide and escape.

Navigate to me by the map of fallen stars.

Love rises back to you
like an escalator fragrance.

All my devotion, compelled by an ocean

2009-01-08T09:02:00.000-08:00

The holidays are over. I always love being home, seeing family and friends, but feel slightly displaced. Which is odd considering I've lived in the same house my entire life. Things have changed on Misty Court though. Besides my mom entirely redecorating the house, Missy is getting married. Kat is getting married. Katie might be moving to Dallas. At least my room still looks exactly the same, just collecting dust.

My mom always tells me, "the only thing certain in life is change." It's easy to say, but hard to accept. People are constantly in motion. Human beings aren't stagnant. We make choices, have desires, needs, ambitions, and goals that keep us working toward something better.

As for me, I'm moving toward my career and being independent. I will be a college graduate this spring and cut off financially from my parents. And, as Katie Walker pointed out, I'm lucky to have a job lined up considering unemployment rates are at an all time high. I'll spend the summer in Quogue, West Hampton, be a full time nanny, and figure out where the hell I want to go to graduate school. But in order to get there, I have to survive my last semester at Kings. 12 hours of class. 8 hours as an intern. 20 hours of work. Every week. I won't have a social life unfortunately, but we all have to make sacrifices in order to get what we want. I'll be forced to appreciate quality time with good friends. I'm fairly certain I could live anywhere in the world as long as I have good friends to experience life and empathize with me.

So we'll work until the night is quite

what once all our dreams were like;

doing all the housework,

returning all the schoolbooks, for good

Let's go on pretending that the light is never ending

we still have the summers

to be good to one another, yay hey

-All the Years by Beach House

The Blessed Virgin Mary Compared to the Air We Breath

2008-12-15T12:16:00.000-08:00

WILD air, world-mothering air,
Nestling me everywhere,
That each eyelash or hair
Girdles; goes home betwixt
The fleeciest, frailest-flixed	5
Snowflake; that ’s fairly mixed
With, riddles, and is rife
In every least thing’s life;
This needful, never spent,
And nursing element;	10
My more than meat and drink,
My meal at every wink;
This air, which, by life’s law,
My lung must draw and draw
Now but to breathe its praise,	15
Minds me in many ways
Of her who not only
Gave God’s infinity
Dwindled to infancy
Welcome in womb and breast,	20
Birth, milk, and all the rest
But mothers each new grace
That does now reach our race—
Mary Immaculate,
Merely a woman, yet	25
Whose presence, power is
Great as no goddess’s
Was deemèd, dreamèd; who
This one work has to do—
Let all God’s glory through,	30
God’s glory which would go
Through her and from her flow
Off, and no way but so.

I say that we are wound
With mercy round and round	35
As if with air: the same
Is Mary, more by name.
She, wild web, wondrous robe,
Mantles the guilty globe,
Since God has let dispense	40
Her prayers his providence:
Nay, more than almoner,
The sweet alms’ self is her
And men are meant to share
Her life as life does air.	45
If I have understood,
She holds high motherhood
Towards all our ghostly good
And plays in grace her part
About man’s beating heart,	50
Laying, like air’s fine flood,
The deathdance in his blood;
Yet no part but what will
Be Christ our Saviour still.
Of her flesh he took flesh:	55
He does take fresh and fresh,
Though much the mystery how,
Not flesh but spirit now
And makes, O marvellous!
New Nazareths in us,	60
Where she shall yet conceive
Him, morning, noon, and eve;
New Bethlems, and he born
There, evening, noon, and morn—
Bethlem or Nazareth,	65
Men here may draw like breath
More Christ and baffle death;
Who, born so, comes to be
New self and nobler me
In each one and each one	70
More makes, when all is done,
Both God’s and Mary’s Son.
Again, look overhead
How air is azurèd;
O how! nay do but stand	75
Where you can lift your hand
Skywards: rich, rich it laps
Round the four fingergaps.
Yet such a sapphire-shot,
Charged, steepèd sky will not	80
Stain light. Yea, mark you this:
It does no prejudice.
The glass-blue days are those
When every colour glows,
Each shape and shadow shows.	85
Blue be it: this blue heaven
The seven or seven times seven
Hued sunbeam will transmit
Perfect, not alter it.
Or if there does some soft,	90
On things aloof, aloft,
Bloom breathe, that one breath more
Earth is the fairer for.
Whereas did air not make
This bath of blue and slake	95
His fire, the sun would shake,
A blear and blinding ball
With blackness bound, and all
The thick stars round him roll
Flashing like flecks of coal,	100
Quartz-fret, or sparks of salt,
In grimy vasty vault.
So God was god of old:
A mother came to mould
Those limbs like ours which are	105
What must make our daystar
Much dearer to mankind;
Whose glory bare would blind
Or less would win man’s mind.
Through her we may see him	110
Made sweeter, not made dim,
And her hand leaves his light
Sifted to suit our sight.
Be thou then, O thou dear
Mother, my atmosphere;	115
My happier world, wherein
To wend and meet no sin;
Above me, round me lie
Fronting my froward eye
With sweet and scarless sky;	120
Stir in my ears, speak there
Of God’s love, O live air,
Of patience, penance, prayer:
World-mothering air, air wild,
Wound with thee, in thee isled,	125
Fold home, fast fold thy child.

Camping in the Rockies

2008-12-10T13:35:00.000-08:00

After four days in the mountains
we have lived most of the world's
history-it's passionate storms,
its silences of fog, the exuberant valleys
and ruinous cliffs, and above
the timberline its tundra of small,
pink flowers shivering on short wires,
that remind me of me, quivering
in the kiss of your breath.

Our uncertainty reveals itself
the way a mountain campanula
half-opens its purple mouth-waxy,
mysterious, tracked by a black thread
of ants. If I could be as sure about us
as the politicians seem to be about campaign
promises...The truth is, the future lies
in ambush; more waits to happen

like the surprise thunder
when Glacier Lake, blue as a peacock
feather, carrying God's gold solar eye,
turns black with wind.

-Luci Shaw

Overwhelming

2008-11-26T19:02:00.000-08:00

I somehow manage to block from my memory the unbearable stress and insane hilarity that ensue once final exams are around the corner. Nonetheless, I am experiencing it right now and in full force. So for those of you who may have forgotten because you've either graduated or have taken a sabbatical from educational endeavours, it's overwhelming to say the least. But such is life, right? Right.

But on the bright side, it's Thanksgiving tomorrow. I've already consumed two Thanksgiving dinners. And have two more to go which I am sure will be just as delectable.

Naturally, I am forced to think about what I am thankful for this year. If I were in Conway or Batesville, Arkansas with my extended family, my mom would insist on going around the table and sharing. So I feel compelled to tell you a few thanksgiving things:

1. I have an internship next semester at the Geneva School of Manhattan as the 2nd grade teacher assistant.
2. I am graduating May 8th!
3. Staying close to friends who are far away.
4. Staying close to friends who are close.

Lastly, here's some holiday spirit for you to savor and enjoy.

Things that make me happy

2008-11-19T07:17:00.000-08:00

1. Pre-Thanksgiving Friendsgiving dinner at the Walkers
2. Poinsettias (the drink, not so much the plant)
3. Christmas music (particularly Rosie Thomas' new Christmas album)
4. Wednesday lunch at Grey Dog
5. New Years in Norman (with my Danajoy love)
6. Almost one semester of college to go
7. Heaters that work (right next to my bed)
8. Legos (me and Hank successfully put together his Starwars spaceship. I can follow directions!)
9. Claire and Drew calling me "Uncle Julie" (they giggled incessently. pretty hilarious)
10. Blogs (so you can say everything and nothing in particular (like I am right now))